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HOST (JAMIE): Welcome back to The Dating Lab. I’m your host, Jamie Reeves, and this is the show where we take a scientific approach to the messiest part of human life: love. Today we’re tackling a question I get more than almost any other. “Why do I keep attracting the wrong people?” And to help me answer it, I’ve got Dr. Priya Sharma, a psychologist who specializes in attachment patterns, and Marcus Webb, a dating coach who’s worked with over a thousand clients. Welcome, both.
DR. PRIYA: Thanks for having me.
MARCUS: Glad to be here.
JAMIE: Okay, let’s get into it. Priya, when someone says “I keep attracting the wrong people,” what’s actually happening?
DR. PRIYA: Well, the first thing I’d say is that “attracting” is often the wrong word. Most people aren’t passively attracting anything. They’re actively selecting. They’re choosing people who feel familiar, and familiar doesn’t always mean healthy.
JAMIE: So it’s not bad luck.
DR. PRIYA: Almost never. Let me give you an example. I had a client named Elena. She was 32, a pediatric nurse, incredibly warm and kind. And she kept ending up with men who were emotionally distant. Every single time. She’d say, “Why do I keep finding these guys?” And I’d say, “You’re not finding them. You’re filtering for them.”
MARCUS: That’s exactly right. I see the same thing. And it’s not just about personality type. It’s about the energy you put out. If you’re anxious, you attract people who are avoidant. If you’re a fixer, you attract people who need fixing. It’s a matching system that nobody signed up for, but everyone’s participating in.
JAMIE: Let’s talk about Elena. What was the pattern exactly?
DR. PRIYA: Every relationship followed the same arc. She’d meet a man. He’d be charming, successful, a little mysterious. She’d feel an instant spark. Then, over the next few months, he’d become more and more distant. He’d cancel plans. He’d take hours to reply. He’d be “too busy.” And Elena would become more and more anxious. She’d text more. She’d try harder. She’d bend over backward. And eventually, he’d leave. Or she’d leave. And she’d start the cycle again.
MARCUS: The mysterious part is the key. For Elena, “mysterious” felt like chemistry. But what she was actually feeling was anxiety. She was confusing the stress of uncertainty with attraction.
JAMIE: That’s a huge insight. Can you explain the difference between chemistry and anxiety?
DR. PRIYA: Absolutely. Chemistry feels like warmth. It feels like safety. It feels like you can be yourself. Anxiety feels like a spike. It feels like a rush. It feels like you’re chasing something. And a lot of people, especially people who grew up in chaotic environments, confuse that rush with love. Because chaos is what they know.
JAMIE: So how do you break the pattern?
MARCUS: It starts with awareness. You have to see the pattern before you can change it. I ask clients to write down the last five people they dated. What did they have in common? How did the relationships end? Usually, the patterns jump off the page.
DR. PRIYA: And then you have to tolerate the discomfort of choosing differently. For Elena, that meant dating men who were consistent. Men who replied within an hour. Men who showed up on time. Men who were clear about what they wanted.
JAMIE: And that felt boring to her?
DR. PRIYA: At first, yes. She said, “There’s no spark.” And I said, “The spark you’re looking for is the spark of anxiety. What you’re feeling right now is calm. And calm is actually what you need.”
MARCUS: This is where people give up. They go on three dates with a “nice guy” or a “nice girl,” feel no spark, and assume there’s no chemistry. But chemistry can grow. It doesn’t have to be instant. In fact, the healthiest relationships often start slowly.
JAMIE: Let’s talk about the fixer pattern. That’s another big one.
MARCUS: Oh, it’s enormous. The fixer is someone who feels most valuable when they’re needed. They attract partners who have problems because being needed gives them a sense of purpose. But the relationship becomes a rescue mission, not a partnership.
JAMIE: I have a case for that. A client named Daniel, 34. He dated a woman named Rachel. Rachel had a lot of drama in her life. Financial problems, family problems, emotional problems. And Daniel was always there to save the day. He paid her rent. He talked her through panic attacks. He managed her relationships with her family.
DR. PRIYA: And how did that end?
JAMIE: She eventually left him for someone else. And he was devastated. He said, “I gave her everything. How could she do this to me?”
MARCUS: That’s the fixer’s trap. You give everything, but what you’re really doing is creating an imbalance. You become the parent, and they become the child. And you can’t have a healthy romantic relationship when you’re parenting your partner.
DR. PRIYA: And when they find someone who doesn’t require fixing, the fixer feels empty. Because their entire identity is built on being needed. If nobody needs them, who are they?
JAMIE: So what’s the solution for a fixer?
DR. PRIYA: Boundaries. And a redefinition of self-worth. You have to learn that you’re valuable just as you are. Not because you’re useful. Not because you’re a savior. Just because you exist.
MARCUS: And you have to date people who are whole. People who don’t need saving. That’s terrifying for a fixer, because it means they have to be in a relationship of equals, not a relationship of dependence.
JAMIE: Okay, let’s talk about the third pattern. The “unavailable” pattern. Why do people keep falling for people who can’t commit?
DR. PRIYA: Because unavailable people feel safe. It’s counterintuitive, but here’s the logic. If I fall for someone who’s unavailable, I never have to get truly close. I never have to be truly vulnerable. I can chase forever and never have to arrive. It’s a way of protecting yourself from intimacy while believing you’re pursuing it.
MARCUS: And it’s addictive. The intermittent reinforcement. Sometimes they’re warm. Sometimes they’re cold. Your brain gets hooked on the unpredictability. It’s the same mechanism as gambling.
JAMIE: So how do you break the addiction?
MARCUS: You have to detox. You have to stop chasing. You have to sit with the discomfort of being alone. And you have to build a life that’s so fulfilling that you’re not desperate for someone else to fill it.
DR. PRIYA: And then you have to choose people who are actually available. People who say what they mean. People who show up. People who want what you want.
JAMIE: Let’s wrap up with some actionable advice. If someone listening right now is stuck in the wrong pattern, what’s the first step?
DR. PRIYA: Write down the pattern. Be brutally honest. What’s the common thread? What do all your exes have in common? What did they make you feel?
MARCUS: Then decide what you actually want. Not what you think you should want. What you actually want. And then look for people who are already that. Don’t try to change someone. Don’t try to fix someone. Don’t try to convince someone. Find someone who already fits.
JAMIE: That’s beautiful. Any final thoughts?
DR. PRIYA: Yes. And this is important. You’re not broken. You’re not doomed. You learned a pattern, and you can unlearn it. It takes time. It takes support. But it’s possible.
MARCUS: And be patient. The right person is worth the wait. The wrong person will cost you years. Choose wisely.
JAMIE: Thank you both so much. And thank you all for listening. This has been Episode 47 of The Dating Lab. If you enjoyed this episode, leave us a review and tell a friend. Until next time, keep showing up.
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